Every Title I Think of Sounds Overly Dramatic

My fiance and I got into a fight last night. It was over something minor but I guess was the tipping point of everything else that’s been going on lately. We were at a friend’s house and said friend’s dog can sometimes be anxious around men. He was pretty friendly with me all night, but growled/barked at me towards the end of the night when I pet him. It was fine. I understand that sometimes animals don’t want attention, so I don’t push it or anything. But my fiance snapped and yelled at me.

I should also explain that one of her (our?) dogs is kind of similar. She bit (no blood drawn, but definitely not play biting) two people shortly after she was adopted. She’s been to training and we have a protocol for introducing her to people. Personally, I think she’s greatly improved and doesn’t seem aggressive around new people. I’ve tried taking her to the gym with me and she seems to be doing really well. A little nervous, but not at all aggressive.

My fiance isn’t entirely comfortable with this, so I haven’t done it since she asked me to stop. The yelling last night was also partially about that. Or mostly. I don’t know.

We got home and she tried to hand the ring back.

This morning, we talked and a lot of things came out. Things I’ve done wrong– which I don’t deny; I’ve made mistakes– and that it seems like we aren’t happy. I’ve been unemployed for most of the month and that’s been a source of stress for both of us. Job hunting is also difficult for me. I can’t be the sort of person who sells themselves. I don’t have the confidence or feel deserving. She’s not one for socializing a lot. She has anxiety and such and tends to prefer to stay in. I get depressed and anxious and I force myself to get out of the house. Staying in just makes everything worse for me. So, lately, I’ve been trying to not be inside so much. Especially with the job search and not working, I’ve been home a lot more.

(The good news is that I have found work. I start two jobs this week, so that’s no longer such an issue.)

She explained that this is her longest relationship and that when things get difficult, she tends to cut and run and not look back. I get that. It’s certainly easier than sticking it out and trying to make things work. We’re going to try counseling. Maybe having someone else there will make it easier for me to explain why I’m not happy. It sounds better than trying to find the right time to mention problems in our relationship.

I want to believe this will help and we’ll work things out, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m getting dumped again and all this is doing is prolonging the inevitable. The worst part is that cold realization that I don’t deserve to have this and that I’m destined to be left behind.

Your Anger Is A Gift

Use it.

Turn it into action. Mid-term elections are in 2018. Protest. Fight this clown.

Take a page from the GOP and their treatment of President Obama; make the racist misogynist fight for every second of the next four years.

He only gets one term. Stand up make it hell for him.

World Mental Health Day

I’ve thought about killing myself for the last twenty five years.

Came really damn close last May. I had painkillers leftover from my broken back and after a couple of very bad events, I looked up the lethal dose. I was going to do it.

I didn’t have enough. I even searched for the LD of my antidepressants. (There’s no known amount that can actually kill a person, by the way.)

So, I soldiered on.

This is what it’s like, living with depression. You fight and you have your good days and you have your bad days. People love you and you will hurt those you love because you shut them out or snap at them.

But that’s not you. It’s your disease talking. It’s not easy to differentiate, but it is an important distinction.

I’ve done and said a lot of stupid and hurtful things because I am depressed and suicidal. Pushed a lot of people away. I shouldn’t have, but I am sick.

Sick, not broken. It may feel that way, but I am not broken. I’m not broken when I have the flu, I’m sick. When I had appendicitis, I wasn’t broken, I was sick.

It’s taken a while, but I finally accepted that. I have an illness and I will have it for the rest of my life, but I don’t plan on giving up.